ZEN AND SKIN MAINTENANCE

Sara,

My love, I have chosen to write you a letter during the day because I have failed, at times, in articulating myself off the cuff on most frustrating matters, to wit, skin maintenance.

                When I was in high school, I suffered from frequent acne breakouts. I tried many products and took many trips to the dermatologist, but nothing seemed to control this adolescent affliction. Of course, a lack of diligence and patience was perhaps the biggest obstacle between me and the clear skin I desired. After all, by the cruelty of an apathetic and unloving god, this aesthetic development coincided with my discovery of girls and things of a sexy nature. What good was a skin treatment if it didn't help me tomorrow, when tomorrow I still had to go to school and take off my hat before entering the building? Was it not enough, I wondered, that my developing body cut an awkward figure in the unflattering Oakridge School boy's uniform? In puberty, enough is never enough.

                My condition persisted through college, though breakouts eventually became less frequent and less severe. Additionally, the freedom proffered by young adulthood permitted me to wear hats over my forehead and silly stickers on my cheek. In the worst case scenario, when that awful vainity of mine was unduly threatened, I could always skip class altogether and take a few "Don days" to recover. I have skipped birthdays. I have skipped presentations. Machi once would not speak to me for months because I cancelled as her escort the morning of her friends' wedding. I have never told anyone this, but anxiety over my skin was the first powerful deterrent to my seeking out regular employment. Although I am no longer as burdened by my skin, the insecurity is deeply imbedded into my psyche, partly informing my aversion to the "day job" in ways I cannot fully perceive or control.

These anxieties have been mostly conquered thanks chiefly to my relationship with you. You have seen me at my best and worst in so many ways that it just seems silly to lock myself in my room every time I have a pimple or two. But I still want to look my best. I know how to do it. I should wash my face twice a day every day and probably use some sort of mask treatment once or twice a week. I should drink enough water because my skin is prone to drying and dry skin is more easily damage. I should avoid sleeping on my face or with my face in my hands because unblocked pores are happy pores. I should do all of these things knowing that there will always be elements of my skin that are beyond my control and that breakouts will still happen.

That's not on me. I am not the master of everything. To be my best, I must only work to master what I can (in this and many other ways).

Tracks tonight: That M83 didn't already have a song called Midnight City is hard to wrap my head around.

Midnight City by M83